CHOOSE ME

Choose me
Choose love
I don’t know how many you have
How many are as good as
Who I try to be
When I’m with you

You sexy motherfucker
She introduced us to each other
She knew what a lovely boy you are
You were
She shared you the way I share
I share my husband with her

And now
Instead of sleeping
Another hour
I’m thinking
Preparing

Sad Damien Rice on the speaker
Intentionally on repeat
It’s easier to think
That you will choose all of them
Than to think
That when you realise you can’t have us all
That I’m not the one to keep

Fucking poly life
Scarcity mindset
Abundance mindset
But the day has
24 hours
And you are one

And four meetings with AA
And work five days a week
And your peaceful life
Gratitude texts for your sponsor
Was I ever in them?

I know you said your table was crowded
And you didn’t want to have favourites
But for the time we were in your room
I wanted to be your little best
Favourite of them all

Fuck blow jobs sitting on my face
me sitting on yours
I want the hugs after to never stop
You said you’d rather if I didn’t stay
That you sleep lightly
Yet

Yet who fell asleep
Once with me in your arms
Second with you on me
As I gave you the face massage
Which you loved
Which felt like
Was the thing I’ve been learning towards
All that time

Light sleeper, huh?
Plus I’ll get a fine?
Just say you don’t want me
I cuddled you to sleep
Blew off your candles
Played with baby cat

And went
In the rain
In the dark
You spread all over
My face, my neck, my chest
And I
Proudly
Carried you home

You were supposed to be
A nice diversion
A safe partner for coffee and sex
Cuz cigarettes needed to be quit
My favourite thing in life
For two new ones coming home soon

And now
I’m sitting here
In the darkness of late April
Writing this
Worried

Will you ever choose me?
How many is too many?
How many is enough?
Your poly table
Is full
But will you
Will you find a spare chair?

For me
The one who cradled you
To sleep like a baby
And you even said
“You’ve got no idea when is
When is the last time I felt
I felt this calm”
I’m melting Maria
I’m melting, wow

I told you
Post sex
How I’m still so nervous
How even when
Watching silly telly
Eating Franco pizza
We embody
Relationship goals
I’m still nervous

We agreed
Not to people please
I am trying
To just stay me
But something inside
Deep inside me
Tells me to be scared
Because feeling safe
I’m not good at

I try
I tried
And trusted
Believed
All the kindness
Love
Belonging
Hand holding
Beautiful texts
I tried
To heal
And healed
And then
Once again
Another one
Was back
First
Love bombing
Then fuck knows
And I’ve learnt

Nobody will love you
Trust no one
How many times is too many?
How many times is enough?
To finally believe
All of those promises
Professional narcissists
Playing you like
Damien Rice his guitar

So I’m gonna
Try to sleep now
Nothing is resolved
There is fear and there is love
I want you
Yes I know I have other partners
And primary one my husband
Who’s done the laundry
Which is still on the bed

Where I’m hiding
From love and fear and affection
Because I don’t want yet
To face whom I will become
When you realise
How many is too many
How many is enough

IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME

It’s not you, it’s me
Well actually
It’s both of us
We don’t fit well together
We don’t have the same
Expectations or abilities
And it will not work
And it will have to end
Before it even really started

Listen, I know
I really do
It’s not that I’m bad and he’s great
And it’s not that I’m great and he sucks
Sometimes people just don’t match
Even if sex is good
Even if there’s magic
Hashtag relationship-goals in the moment
Flow through the space as your bodies touch

Please, don’t tell me
Don’t quote those cliche Instagrams
Stuff is supposed to flow
Life is about finding the one whom you don’t have to explain
It’s the question of compatibility
Sure, if you tell me how
If you know how to live like that
Write a book please
And send me the Audible link

Because I’ve read 24 books this year already
And it’s only May
And I’m working so hard
To learn and to grow
But at the end of the day
You either want me or not
And from your text, however long and however kind
It looks like I’m gonna be alone
Again

I carried you
In my thought
On my face
In my heart
Like a classic me
Way too much
Way too fast
Fucked up maybe
Or maybe I’m just really special

Really special in a way
That not many people
Can handle me in their hearts
For most it will feel heavy
Like a burden they carry
Heavy hearts and their whatsapps
With messages from me
Often way too long for them to read

Because only when
They meet me for real
They start asking themselves
How much is too much
And how much is enough
And I’m normally that
They all realise
I’m so good and so kind
I have so much love and they don’t dislike me

And I know double negative
But it’s a poem not a GCSE
So shut up and listen
I keep shouting to my brain

To my heart though
I need to say
Hey babe
You did so well
You really had courage
You showed your real self
You didn’t pretend
You didn’t run
You didn’t judge yourself
You kept your ground

And if
He decides
That he can’t do you in this moment
Let’s accept
That it’s not me
And not him
And not even us
But that
He will not set you free
And you will not somehow fit
Into his tight schedule

And that the magic
Moments in his bed
Were worth
The grinding discomfort

You’re sitting right now
Wondering
How much is too much
And will you ever be enough?

POEM FOR THE FOOL

kinda scary
but kinda sweet
feels so kinda easy
but easy is not that easy
actually hard I know much better
hard is easier because
I will always know the end
sometimes even before it starts
so easy and lovely are
actually scary

sweet and lovely say 
you don't have to fear
I don't have to fear
yet easy is so new
I don't know my ropes
easy is so rare
easy is not easy to find
easy is not easy to learn
how not to be scared
so i'm scared
but i'm gonna be brave

part of me wonders
if I'm fucked up
if feelings appear like that
for everyone
or if I'm the fool who
doesn't belong to any troup
except for the broken hearted healing club
where all the other idiots live
where we talk and we ask
is it better
to sit and cry and be safe
or is it better to try and be scared
and risk coming back anyway