IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME

It’s not you, it’s me
Well actually
It’s both of us
We don’t fit well together
We don’t have the same
Expectations or abilities
And it will not work
And it will have to end
Before it even really started

Listen, I know
I really do
It’s not that I’m bad and he’s great
And it’s not that I’m great and he sucks
Sometimes people just don’t match
Even if sex is good
Even if there’s magic
Hashtag relationship-goals in the moment
Flow through the space as your bodies touch

Please, don’t tell me
Don’t quote those cliche Instagrams
Stuff is supposed to flow
Life is about finding the one whom you don’t have to explain
It’s the question of compatibility
Sure, if you tell me how
If you know how to live like that
Write a book please
And send me the Audible link

Because I’ve read 24 books this year already
And it’s only May
And I’m working so hard
To learn and to grow
But at the end of the day
You either want me or not
And from your text, however long and however kind
It looks like I’m gonna be alone
Again

I carried you
In my thought
On my face
In my heart
Like a classic me
Way too much
Way too fast
Fucked up maybe
Or maybe I’m just really special

Really special in a way
That not many people
Can handle me in their hearts
For most it will feel heavy
Like a burden they carry
Heavy hearts and their whatsapps
With messages from me
Often way too long for them to read

Because only when
They meet me for real
They start asking themselves
How much is too much
And how much is enough
And I’m normally that
They all realise
I’m so good and so kind
I have so much love and they don’t dislike me

And I know double negative
But it’s a poem not a GCSE
So shut up and listen
I keep shouting to my brain

To my heart though
I need to say
Hey babe
You did so well
You really had courage
You showed your real self
You didn’t pretend
You didn’t run
You didn’t judge yourself
You kept your ground

And if
He decides
That he can’t do you in this moment
Let’s accept
That it’s not me
And not him
And not even us
But that
He will not set you free
And you will not somehow fit
Into his tight schedule

And that the magic
Moments in his bed
Were worth
The grinding discomfort

You’re sitting right now
Wondering
How much is too much
And will you ever be enough?

POEM FOR THE FOOL

kinda scary
but kinda sweet
feels so kinda easy
but easy is not that easy
actually hard I know much better
hard is easier because
I will always know the end
sometimes even before it starts
so easy and lovely are
actually scary

sweet and lovely say 
you don't have to fear
I don't have to fear
yet easy is so new
I don't know my ropes
easy is so rare
easy is not easy to find
easy is not easy to learn
how not to be scared
so i'm scared
but i'm gonna be brave

part of me wonders
if I'm fucked up
if feelings appear like that
for everyone
or if I'm the fool who
doesn't belong to any troup
except for the broken hearted healing club
where all the other idiots live
where we talk and we ask
is it better
to sit and cry and be safe
or is it better to try and be scared
and risk coming back anyway